First Love.

What

 is the most 

prestigious identity

you

could ever have?

*

Last year,

one of my mentors

spoke

to me a

statement

which

I've been 

holding onto

ever since then.

'You've always wanted

to know 

''What's my destiny?''

Val,

your greatest destiny

is to 

be 

His 

daughter.'

At that moment,

my hopes

 dipped.

Past years,

my mind has constructed

grand and wild

dreams and desires

according to the

exciting promises of

'...above and beyond

your imagination...',

'No eye has seen,

no ear has heard,

what's in stored

for those who love him.'

I struggled at the

plain word,

'Daughter'.

'Shouldn't my destiny be

something

more.

What's the deal 

about 

being 

a daughter?

I

already

know

I am a

daughter...'

Everyday

since,

I carried the statement

in my

heart

and

flipped it over and over

in my

head.

While

 I still couldn't

understand,

I continued

racing through 

each day,

my eyes fixed on

my destiny fantasy 

of being the

great-Valerie

I was determined to be.

In four words,

they are written on top of

every page of my

schedule book,

they are

'Creativity,

Wisdom,

Excellence,

Faithfulness.'

I wanted to focus on

developing myself

in these areas

so I could,

one fine day,

 be,

as I always shared when asked

in parties or interviews,

'...a leader in the creative industry

who produces excellent work

and is known for 

wisdom 

and 

her faithfulness to God.'

Sounds like a,

noble dream.

Looking at it,

there's nothing wrong with

having such ambition.

What's

really wrong,

what's

sadly wrong,

was how

 insanely great

I've magnified

being a

powerful person

and

very quietly,

despised

the

identity of being

'just

 a daughter'.

I never knew

I was blind

to this truth

until

a series of episodes,

awful but critically necessary episodes,

that

crippled my capabilities

and

stripped me 

of my

self-made confidence.

Despite all

persistence, 

diligence, 

and

laser-focus,

my entire life was

halted,

and 

broken.

Career ,

bank account

and

self-esteem.

Then I realized,

actually,

besides

money and ego,

I've lost

the very purpose,

what life is all about,

and it's something

priceless -

relationships.

I've invested

so much

 time 

on

crafting

my destiny,

I've

  forgotten

and

began to disdain

the art of being

a person -

a friend 

to my friends and people,

a daughter and niece

to my mother and aunt,

and

most of all,

a daughter 

of whom

 I used to

endearingly call,

Daddy.

See,

I knew

I was his daughter,

but

I was

not

being 

a daughter at all.

You could be a

son

of someone

but

not have a relationship with him.

My daughter-identity

became

head-knowledge.

It's as good as

having a Singaporean identity card

and not

loving Singapore at all.

He was not in 

my heart.

What's replaced him

was

my

 noble and grand

dreams and destiny.

Looking back,

that was the time

I wrote emergency e-mails to my mentors

that

'My soul 

is a

 desert.

I don't know why 

I am such an 

unhappy person.'

Truth,

through wise people in my life,

 has shown me

why.

My selfishness has drifted me so far apart

from

where I

 began and belonged

that

I felt like a

stranger,

and sometimes,

terrifyingly,

an enemy

around

my 

first love.

More often,

I found myself

disagreeing

with what I used to believe

and

having attitudes

I used to detest.

My nature,

had grown strangely

different from

who I called

Daddy.

I was less and less

like him.

Gradually,

I realized I was dangerously

far from home.

 And I knew

that

 if I don't turnaround

and

go home,

even if I 

have all the world,

I would be unhappy

 forever.

Turnaround:

I 

sat my soul down -

I bent my 

will,

shut up my 

prideful mind,

made my 

stubborn heart bow

to this decision:

'I want to be creative,

I want to be wise

I want to be excellent,

I can be faithful,

but

above all,

I am 

and

will always be

 his

daughter.'

And as

 his daughter,

won't

creativity,

wisdom,

excellence

and

a faithful character

be the fruits

of it all?

What is achieving all things

in life

without your

first love

to celebrate with you?

What is having all the world

to shower praise, fame and recognition

on you

when

your truest Love,

the most perfect Love,

could not recognize you

and

does not call you

his own

anymore?'

*